Maybe TS Elliot was right. Maybe he just had hayfever. The pollen is so bad that even I'm all wheezy and itch-eyed, and I'm not even allergic to pollen. I walked down the escalator to the metro this morning and it was all covered in a fine silt of yellow dust. By the time I got to the bottom my eyes were welded shut and I felt like I'd gone three rounds with the Cambodian kickboxing champion.
Amongst the legion cruel things that beseige one in April are weddings. Not so much having to go to weddings (though usually there is at least one, but I don't really mind attending weddings). It's the talk about weddings. Because most people seem to get married in June, so it's not so much the going, it's the incessant discussion that is killing me. Not by people I know, but by total strangers, who insist on invading my aural space with their obsessive discourse on whether one should have or did have bird of bleeding paradise in their bouquet.
These conversations almost always include only one person who is getting married sometime in the next twelve weeks, and another person who got married within the previous eighteen months. Sometimes they are joined by a third, older person who got married in the previous decade. These conversations are long and tedious and involve a perpetual stream of future-past comparisons. "What kind of flowers are you thinking of having?" "Oh, I was going to have calla lilies everywhere with sprays of babies' breath, but then I saw this amazing bouquet at the florist that had orchids, and I just had to have them." "Oh, I had orchids in my bouquet, and then we decorated the hall with them and every table. We had orchids on our cake. There is a woman in Alexandria who makes these cakes with candied flowers on them, it was just amazing." Ug.
If the woman-who-got-married-last-decade is in the conversation, at this point she'll get a nosalgic look on her face and say, as if communicating from a far-off land, "we had peach roses at our wedding. They were just beautiful." Of the three people in this conversation, she is the only one who is actually talking about marriage at this point. She's been married ten years, and has vague, fluffy memories about the wedding, and clear, less fluffy memories about her husband (whom I just heard her complain about while she was huffing away on the stairmaster). The other two women in the conversation think of the wedding as the marriage.
The problem with this conversation is that I really don't care, except that I'm being subjected to it in minute detail. In fact, the woman who got married last summer has taken over an entire corner of the locker room and I can't get into my locker because she has blocked the door with all of her crap. She is busily buckling her strappy sandals and nattering on about flowers and dresses and honeymoons while I am standing there, dripping wet, in a gym towel that appears to be designed to be just a little too short for everyone except a dwarf. She glances up and says she'll be out of my way in "just a second," but really she means another three or four minutes, which, while dripping in a towel and running late for work, is annoying. Just move your bag, cupcake. Now I am stuck. If I move her bag, I am being rude, because she has acknowledged that I am waiting and that she is blocking my way. But I'm sick of standing around in a towel with my ass hanging out. Meanwhile, I am hearing all about her bleeding honeymoon. "The year we were engaged was only my second year with the firm, so I hardly ever got to see my husband, and we decided, that was it, we were going on a long honeymoon. So we spent two weeks on the beach in Hawaii. We wanted to go to Fiji, but the flight was 24 hours, while Hawaii was only nine, so we went to Hawaii. Oh, it was so beautiful. Where are you going?"
Where is she going? Cabo San Lucas. This information is actually taking up space in my brain. I cannot remember how to conjugate etre in the future frigging tense, but I know where these people have/are going to honeymoon. Then they slipped right into this insane territory of weirdom that I didn't realize existed anymore. They started talking about china and silver patterns. Christ, people still get sets of fine dining ware as wedding presents? Wow. Just wow. Crystal goblets, wine glasses, water glasses, snifters. Snifters??? All I want to do is get dressed!!!! I don't care what kind of cake you are having and it is taking all of my strength not to scream out that it probably didn't matter that you wore a Vera freaking Wang, you were probably still short and tubby and bulging out in all the wrong places in your overpriced single use designer mermaid dress!